 "If you can't take the heat... get out of the Kobun." - Nick Civitello Saturday, October 27, 2001 - What I learned TODAYSmash Bros. has a name entry mode. 
Discuss this entry on the forums.
2) What the deal is with Toad.
3) Nintendo is incredibly secretive.
4) Debug Gamecube units are green.
5) Don't tell your face, but Pikmin is about to rock it.
6) Who did the "shake shake" voice.
7) What Nintendo does with its old stock.
And you will learn all of these things on the next Kobun Heat.
Discuss this entry on the forums. So I went on a date with this girl a month ago. Things went well and then she decided that she was going to always be washing her hair for the next month, if you catch my drift here. So today I ran into her, and she actually expressed interest in coming back to a Source meeting (this is where we met) tonight. And she did again, and actually sat down with me afterward, took her backpack off, and chatted! It was wonderful! I figured that perhaps I did in fact have a chance in hell. So as we were walking out of the building together (we live close to each other), some random guy friend of hers comes up, throws his arm around her, and here's the fun part: He introduces himself to me and shakes my hand with the hand he has wrapped around her. Nice to meet you. Go fuck your mother. I'm still not sure if she's got a boyfriend now or what, but he actually moved to lead her away from me and I, basically embarassed to high holy hell, left. Angrily. And now for the news. "Our true enemy," he admitted, "was our pride" -- pride that resulted from the heady years of the original PlayStation. When Square originally announced back in 1997 that the Final Fantasy series would be PS exclusive from now on, Nintendo president Hiroshi Yamauchi treated the affront lightly, saying that the console selection "couldn't be helped". Suzuki responded by publically bashing the N64 and convincing Enix to join the PS camp along with them, which, looking back at it now, he realizes wasn't an incredibly smart move... Something important: when a company president makes what is essentially a public apology like this, he isn't doing it for shits and giggles. He - Square - wants something, and that something is Nintendo. And I think they may have just got it. Square on Gamecube/GBA just became much more of a possibility - Sony's stock purchase be damned. (Remember, Square took off for greyer pastures only a couple years after Nintendo purchased 20% of the company.) Of course, this'd probably make me feel a lot better if I hadn't just been EMASCULATED %^$#^@%#$*&@. Discuss this entry on the forums. On a more productive note, this provides me with the opportunity to direct aspiring and struggling game writers to the GIA now, because they're hiring. I'd apply like that, but you see the trouble I have keeping THIS page updated with any regularity... I wouldn't be the one to cause the GIA's downfall. You know, like I did to Game ON! USA. I am edging ever closer to getting a Gamecube. Nintendo should have units for us press folks any day now, and if I am able to convince them that Animerica is a really spiffy publication whose readers are just drooling for information on the Gamecube (as opposed to just drooling over nekkid pics of Asuka Langley), I might have one soon. If you live in my general area and I tolerate you to the point where I let you into my room, this is good news for you too. More definite good news (for Al, Josh, Josh, and Jon specifically) is that I will, on Tuesday, come into posession of four VIP passes to the Nintendo Cube Club Boston, which means that we will be rolling in style one week from tomorrow, sucking back free Smirnoff Ice to the sweet sounds of Super Smash Bros. Melee. Hey, if I can't make friends the usual way, I have to be able to offer them tangible benefits. And let's check something...alright, it works! If your web browser is Japanese-enabled, that is. チューチューロケット
ねずみを助けろう
チューチューロケット
猫はこわい！
チューチューロケット
ロケット凄い！
つばばばばー！
Well, that was certainly pointless. Discuss this entry on the forums. See, on Thursday night I felt what you might call a disturbing lump on my right testicle. Friday morning, I went to the doctor, who said it was probably nothing but that I should see a urologist about it soon. So today, I saw a urologist, who said it was probably nothing but that I should have an ultrasound. And then I saw the ultrasound lady, who said it was definitely nothing. PHEW. In other news, uh, video games blah blah blah. There, that oughta hold you. Discuss this entry on the forums. If You Fall Asleep In The Flower Garden... Also, here's a guide to What I'm Playing Right Now. As if you cared. And then there's Okage, which came out in Japan quite a while ago under the title "Me And King Satan." It was censored a bit. Okage's got a goofy sense of humor - it's almost a parody of all the RPG cliches - but it remains to be seen whether the humor will die out within a few hours. After an hour or so of play, I know one thing for sure, though: Sony still hasn't fired/brutally tortured to death the people responsible for FFVII's and Grandia's translations... Discuss this entry on the forums. Shenmue II, which was on track for a Dreamcast release - WITH JAPANESE VOICE AND ENGLISH SUBTITLES - has been cancelled! Microsoft purchased the exclusive US rights to the game from Sega, which means that it will only appear on the XBox. Furthermore, Final Fantasy IV will be coming to the Wonderswan Color, which means that an English version will never see the light of day thanks to Bernie Stolar's deliberately NOT bringing the system to the US. My critical analysis: a)Fuck you. Fuck you directly in the ear. Pulling out from under us one of the most anticipated DC titles ever is one thing; selling it to Microsoft so that we'll have to buy an XBox to play it is another. b)Peter Moore is a douchebag. He is what the Italians call il douchebaggio. He is a Ziploc bag full of vinegar and water. He is used to wash vaginas; for example, Bernie Stolar. Bernie Stolar is located directly below the clitoris. When he gets excited he becomes moist. We now return you to your regularly scheduled gaming news, already in progress. Discuss this entry on the forums. THE KOBUN HEAT GREAT GAMECUBE CONTROLLER TEST! One word of warning, though. This is stupid. And I don't mean stupid like Parish says something he made is "stupid" and it turns out to be damned hilarious. I really mean it. Oh well. You'll read it anyway. You're like that. In other news, Sony bought 20% of Square the other day. Fancy that. Last time I checked, though, Nintendo bought 20% of Squaresoft around the time "Mario RPG" came out. And THAT sure bought them a hell of an exclusivity agreement... Discuss this entry on the forums. Discuss this entry on the forums.
a) Write an intelligent, thoughtful letter on the day's topic.
b) Write total flamebait (only works once).
Circa 2001:
a) Write a letter that agrees with everything Brooke says. Bonus points for bashing capitalism. Jabs at George W. mandatory. Grammar, facts optional.
b) Write a letter with incredibly poor arguments and grammar that disagrees with Brooke's logic.
c) Just DON'T write an intelligent, thoughtful letter that disagrees with the liberal opinion, or your post will never see the light of day.
I complain because I used to really like Double Agent, back when it was the space for the GIA's readers to voice their opinions and add to the community, the give-and-take of the fan site. Now it is nothing more than a forum for Brooke and her like-minded, left-of-Lenin friends to talk about whatever they feel like as long as it has nothing to do with video games. Discuss this entry on the forums. The Cube Club is coming to Boston from October 25th-28th and then November 1-3. I plan to be there as much as possible. Of course. Toad, your ass is mine. Discuss this entry on the forums. Also, in that Kobun Heat will probably go neglected for a short little while owing to some personal stuff, here's something to keep you entertained for a while:
The true stories of a longtime independent game store owner: the idiots he deals with, his snappy answers to stupid questions, and how he tricks people into stealing $15 N64 games by marking them up to $50 and putting them by the door. Discuss this entry on the forums. The second being their latest "Ever Wondered?" column, which contains credited quotes from noted freelance writers Steven Kent and our old fanzine friend Russ Perry, Jr... ...must I point out that this is the same EGM that just last issue decided not to source freelance writers? ...or that "not sourcing" someone, in EGM-speak, does not mean to eliminate their quote but to plagiarize it? ...or that Chris Johnston - another old fanzine friend and former Video Zone contributor - is technically in charge of this section? I'm waiting for a response from Chris Baker, who writes this column... I'll update when I know more. Sigh. Reading EGM used to be fun. The sad thing is that this turn of events comes with a genuine, major upswing in the quality of the mag, and had a bonehead decision not have been made I'd be right alongside the likes of Steve and Russ right now, having been quoted in the magazine of our boyhood idolatry. Discuss this entry on the forums. God DAMN, Capcom vs. SNK 2 is fun. Of course, maybe I'm only saying this because Jon can't do A DAMNED THING against a Level 4 Blanka. In fact, I actually beat Jon with a Level 1 Blanka the other night. It was sad. And (as referenced above), Dan and Yuri's intro is fantastic. But on to more pressing matters - tonight's burning question: Whither Toad? Here's a very recent screenshot of Super Smash Bros. Melee:  Significance? Peach is using a standard SSBM bubble shield. Now look at this old picture, posted on the Heat (or was it Drama Royalty?) so long ago:  In this picture, I inferred that Toad (shown having his chestnuts roasted) was going to be Peach's shield. But (see if you can catch where I'm going) this is not the case! So what is Toad doing here? I bet you that this is where all those "trophies" come into play... the characters themselves will be items, and run about the battle screen waiting to be "used" as human shields, projectiles... That'd kick ass. Poor Toad. Discuss this entry on the forums. Letter writer: "...At some point in [Orwell's 1984], Julia mentions to Winston the possibility that the rocket bombs being launched at Oceania might not have come from Eurasia or Eastasia, but from Oceania itself, just to keep the people in line. Now, replace Oceania with the U.S... and replace rocket bombs with planes flying into skyscrapers..." Brooke's response: "That's a scary thought, and one I seriously wonder about. We already know what kinds of atrocities this government is capable of..." Holy shit, lady. I'm half ready to just buy you a copy of ICO so you'll have something else to talk about. Discuss this entry on the forums. Now, I actually have to give these guys credit for confronting the issue of "bias" right up front and saying, in effect, hell yes we are. Fine. If I was getting hundreds of emails a day saying "you are bias!!!!111" I'd want to stop them too. And I won't pretend that Nintendo Power is going to take the moral high ground in this respect, either. But holy cats: if I didn't want to be associated with the XBox crowd before, I certainly don't want to now. This one small preview issue has literally hundreds of cheap little jabs at the PS2 and Gamecube scattered throughout. If you skim this issue at your local newsstand,just note how many times on one page the writers take cheap shots at the supposed faults of the PS2 and Gamecube ("jaggies" and "games by Shigeru Miyamoto," respectively). And yes, I know it was my own fault for expecting the people who put together this magazine to act like grownups. But this is literally above and beyond anything I might have expected. It is puerile trash, and it really says something about the state of the XBox right now that the official XBox magazine feels the need to just bash the competition rather than accentuate the positives of their own system. The thing is, I really MIGHT have bought an XBox at launch if Microsoft had done anything that catered to my type of gamer. I mean, what if they'd launched with an exclusive Marvel vs. Capcom 3? Call me a button-mashing retard, but that'd have sold me the system right there. Discuss this entry on the forums. I didn't want to update today, but I just found out Gamestop has yanked down those Capcom vs. SNK 3 pages. I'm not sure how, or why, they got up there, but when product information reaches the RETAIL level (since they're usually the last to know about anything) you assume that it's true... ...and I still think something is in the works. Capcom hasn't denied that the game is in the works, and for some reason I get the feeling that they're going to do an impressive, 3D CvS game for these other systems. Maybe this is connected with that "new VS. game" that Capcom will bring to the arcades later on? Who knows. I wouldn't count this game out yet, but it probably won't be here before Christmas. Discuss this entry on the forums. Microsoft doesn't even want to think about other territories right now. When Chief XBox Officer Robbie Bach has the hiccups, they just whisper "Japan" in his ear. Anyway, this news puts the GCN and XBox back within a couple days of each other (at least in the US... ohhhh), except now it's the other way around. Look, whatever. The initial XBox allocations will sell out anyway ("$500 NOW!") because people are stupid. But I want to see if they're fickle enough to trade in their PS2s for their XBoxes. If they do, then we're dealing with a whole new breed of video game consumer, and everything we know about the market might be wrong... Discuss this entry on the forums. And now for the promised more elaborate report on Tokyopop's new Final Fantasy arranged albums. Um. I spent a good part of today getting The GIA an exclusive on the tracklists for these CDs, go to the GIA's news post here to read those. The CDs are going to be great. The first one is actually the American release of "Final Fantasy 1987-1994," which means that stuff like the amazing Scenes III and VII from FF Symphonic Suite and the Aria De Mezzo Carraterre will be on the disc. The second CD is, to be honest, drawing from a slimmer and less impressive catalog of material, but the selections (all the orchestrated tracks from FFVII Reunion, to name three) are all quality stuff. So if you like FF music, buy them on October 23rd. And, through a series of being in the right place - figuratively - at the right time - literally - I did the liner notes for these CDs. To that end, I'd be a little disappointed if people who know me personally - I'm talking to you, Drama Royalty -didn't buy these albums. I'm not trying to guilt trip you guys here, but if you've got FF MP3s on your computer - as I know you all do - you should support Tokyopop and, indirectly, me. 'Cause if you buy them, they'll bring over more, and somebody has to write those liner notes, right? :D I wanted the GIA to have the exclusive on this because, gosh darn it, they're great. Let not my appreciation of these fine men and women go unnoticed. That said, I'm developing what you might call a problem with their new letters columnist. She seemed nice enough until I saw this at the beginning of one of her recent columns:
...this May, Bush sent the Taliban $48 million, because they've outlawed drugs. He knew what a bunch of shitheads they were, and yet he sent them money because they don't allow drugs. If you didn't think Bush was an idiot before, this should make you pause and take a good long look at who we have in office.
If you watched Bush's speech tonight - and I certainly hope you did - you heard him mention that we are Afghanistan's biggest provider of humanitarian aid. He is referring to this $43 million (not 48) in aid that we did, in fact, give to Afghanistan in May of this year. This is what happened. Afghanistan produces something like seventy percent - seventy percent! - of the world's opium. Or produced, rather, because the Taliban outlawed drugs when it came into power. (The Taliban, as I hope you know by now, also outlaws everything else. Afghanis don't know what Bush said tonight because it's illegal to own a television there.) Now, since drugs had been outlawed, many Afghani farmers, who had previously been growing 100% dope, were out of work. Even worse, there was a drought this past year. So, the US gives aid to Afghanistan. This has two benefits: one, the Afghanis do not die; two, they don't have to go back to producing drugs, and the world's biggest source of opium dries up. Therefore, to say that Bush simply handed over $43 million to the Taliban because he somehow thought they were good clean drug-free types is an oversimplification of the situation that actually, in my opinion, crosses the line into untruth. Brooke's version of events just doesn't make sense; we're in agreement on that. It's just that she'd rather believe that they don't make sense because Bush is an idiot and not because she might possibly not know enough about the situation. I remember back when they talked about video games in that column. August seems so long ago. Discuss this entry on the forums. TOKYOPOP Soundtrax, publishers of Final Fantasy IV, FFIX, and Chrono Trigger soundtracks in the US, will finally bring FF arranged music to the US this year, to be released day-and-date with the Final Fantasy movie DVD. "Final Fantasy N Generation" will feature arranged tracks from FFI-VI, and "Final Fantasy S Generation" will feature arranged tracks from the Playstation games VII through IX. In a stunning twist, the liner notes to each CD will be written by freelance writer and video game music collector Chris Kohler. Figure THAT one out. More details to come later tonight. Kobun Heat: your breaking source for news, especially when I know about it way ahead of time and can time an update to the exact second the press release goes out... Discuss this entry on the forums. Second thing of note: I went to my first meeting of the Japanese Culture Club tonight. Members of the JCC were interested in having me about because they want to have a video game tournament. I was thinking I could drag out the Dreamcast and have a small Capcom vs. SNK 2 tourney, but the girls in charge were thinking bigger. They want to have a campus wide event and the president of the JCC - a girl named Julie Rogers - said, "Well, what if we had Nintendo sponsor it?" I was about to pat her on the head and say that Nintendo would never ever come to Tufts, but then she said, "I met the president of Nintendo this summer. He's a nice guy; we watched a Mariners game together... and his wife's really nice..." Now I know a little bit about Minoru and Yoko Arakawa, since I'd read David Sheff's Game Over. And I told her, "Have you read Game Over?" And she said, "My dad's in it." "Your dad is in it?" "Yeah, Henk Rogers?" At this point I lost all the self-control I had been storing up for a good few years. "FUCK! Your father is Henk Rogers?!" Now, I'm sure a few of you - like the rest of the JCC was at this point - are a little lost. Henk Rogers started Bullet-Proof Software. He is the man who helped bring Tetris to the US. Henk Rogers plays go with Hiroshi Yamauchi. Needless to say, I think the JCC's chances of getting Nintendo to sponsor this - maybe even sending a few Gamecubes and copies of Super Smash Bros. Melee over - just jumped up. My new best friend Julie aside, I got Capcom vs. SNK 2 today. I like it except for the cheap ass end bosses. Fuck you, Shin Gouki. Otherwise, it's all good - and just for your information, the spine card reads "2D will never die!" (Oh, and don't tell that to Capcom USA; they're having a hell of a time trying to sell these damn games to us Philistines as it is.) Discuss this entry on the forums. This is probably because most of the press with Japanese Gamecubes can't read Japanese, and if you can't read Japanese you'd easily pass this picture by. The most interesting thing in the picture - the description of the game - is in Japanese, which Tendogamers at least feels is a mysterious, inscrutable language that no mortal human being not lucky enough to be born on that particular archipelago will ever understand. (Fact is, any kid with three weeks of college-level Japanese under his belt can pick out Suu Paa Ma Ri O.) But I don't see why someone would go through so much trouble to fake a strange-looking screenshot in Japanese for a wildly improbable game. So, the only thing I can guarantee about the picture below is that I've accurately translated the Japanese. Does it sound sketchy? Yes. Would I believe me at face value? Probably not. Did it actually come out of a Gamecube flyer? I believe that it did, yes. Wild Speculation:We know that Miyamoto is actually producing dozens of games at any given time. We know that Nintendo of Japan's offerings for the GCN seem a little slim this year. We know that Miyamoto was working on Super Mario 64 Part 2 for the N64, which was supposed to be a multi-character adventure. We know from Majora's Mask and Paper Mario that Nintendo's teams can create an incredible Miyamoto-inspired game without Miyamoto. What if this is real? Discuss this entry on the forums.  Super Mario 2001. This is apparently scanned out of flyers that came with the Japanese GCN. Tendogamers posted this yesterday with no translation, and so I sent them one: ""Press the Start/Pause button to start the game!..."Super Mario 2001" 2001 Nintendo..."This time, someone has kidnapped Mario! Luigi, Toad, Peach, and Koopa must show their strength and save Mario!"...B - Go Back. They posted this too, but thought I was just lying or something. Well, I'm not. This is from Nintendo's official literature. Be happy. Of course, there's nothing that says this is a Gamecube game. This could be a board game for all we know. But whatever it is, it's real. Capcom vs. SNK 3 for the Gamecube is also real. Tendogamers broke it, and we all figured it was just a typo until the game actually showed up on Gamespot with (obviously mocked-up) art.  No, really. Check the actual page, I'll wait here. And while you've got that window open, do a search for "capcom snk." You'll see CvS2 for the PS coming in November, CvS3 for the GCN coming in December, and CvS3 for the XBox (ugh) coming in January. So... is Capcom just sticking it to Sony now, or what?! First they take Resident Evil away after only a port of an old DC game, and then they actually show up their own product with CvS3 a month later on the other guys' systems... I'd be pissed if I was Sony. But I'm Chris Kohler, so I'm happy. Deal. Discuss this entry on the forums. The Resident Evil series will be entirely remade on the Gamecube, and all future Resident Evil games will be Gamecube exclusive. Now let's juxtapose this headline next to all of the complaints leveled at the Nintendo Gamecube. They kind of all seem stupid now, don't they? Discuss this entry on the forums. Anyhow, the "rumor" is that the new faces will be Yun from SF3, Maki from Final Fight 2, and Eagle from SF1. This seems entirely appropriate, since these are the three new Capcom characters in Capcom vs. SNK 2, which besides the SNK grooves is identical to SFA3 in gameplay. It's also appropriate since the Alpha series is supposed to be the blend of Final Fight, Street Fighter, and SFII. My only real question is, Yun? Chronologically, SFA3 takes place before Street Fighter II takes place before SF3, so wouldn't Yun be like 10 at this point? Of course, it's not like Capcom has ever paid attention to things like that - hell, we've got Charlie AND Guile in SFA3, and as we all remember from our SFII instruction booklets, the only reason that Guile is even fighting is because "during the dangerous trek back to civilization, Charlie Of course, I'm figuratively DYING for Marvel vs. Capcom 3, or - even better - Capcom vs. Capcom, which would be like Marvel vs. Capcom 2 but without all those goddamned scrub characters. Luckily, Toastyfrog is in stasis for a while, so I can express my excitement without being trumped by Parish stomping his foot over the fact that MvC3 will be a shallow button-masher's delight. Hear that, bin Laden? You think you've brought the indestructible empire to its knees? Well, I for one am still writing my opinions on Japanese video games, secure in the knowledge that we are going to fuck your freedom-hating ass up. Donate blood, and God bless America. Discuss this entry on the forums. I've never actually had a PROBLEM with EGM until this latest issue. I won't go about this in a cutesy way; this is what happened. I was approached by an EGM freelancer to answer a question for a new column called "Ever Wondered?" Since he enjoyed my j-pop.com and Animerica stuff, in his mind I was something of an expert on Japanese games and so he asked me a question about the Pocketstation. I answered it, giving him what I thought was a pretty decent quote: "You've pretty much answered the question right there - Sony was planning a US release for March 1999, but the Pocketstation was so popular at that point that there weren't enough units to go around in Japan, let alone worldwide. Trying to buy one in a Japanese store was difficult; trying to import one was a disaster. By the time supply caught up with demand and a US release became feasible, there was another problem: there weren't enough games to justify its release. Final Fantasy VIII had a Pocketstation mini-game, but the rest of the compatible games were titles like Store Owner, Theme Aquarium, or Doko Demo Issho - and these, obviously, weren't coming to the US. Finally, the Pocketstation was nothing like the VMU, since you couldn't use it while playing games. It was only for playing mini-games, and this is a very Japanese activity. So basically, you had this Japan-centric, $30 piece of hardware that would have worked with, during its entire life cycle, three or four games. Wasn't going to happen." Not bad, right? Well, I was assured it'd appear soon, and it certainly did, in the latest ish (#147).  Notice what's missing? Notice what they left in? If you said "your name" and "your exact wording," you win the cee-gar! The freelancer in question actually hasn't received his copy of the issue yet, but he told me today that the editor decided to not source people who write for other magazines since it would somehow "give the impression that EGM isn't the first and best source for game news." What it most definitely did was give me the impression that as far as EGM seems to have come, they are still covering video games in an embarrassingly immature manner. It is unprofessional, rude, and illegal to not cite sources. I don't blame Mr. Baker, since he was by all indications going to quote me as an expert until the editors got to his work, and he did say that he will ask about putting my name in the corrections section of the magazine. 'Cause I don't know about you, but when I get a new EGM, the first thing I flip to is the corrections. Discuss this entry on the forums. I'm finally free, I think, of all my 'you must take this shit to graduate' courses, which means that this semester I'm taking Japanese, Japanese Film, and a course on media violence where we'll go on a field trip to see the WWF. Beyond that, I'm writing a senior honors thesis on the unique nature of Japanese video games - like a thesis on manga or anime, just more groundbreaking - and applying for various get-me-to-Japan-again scholarships. Special notice: If anyone out there has some interesting ideas about Japanese video games (I'm talking on a scholarly level, not "I like Kuja"), please email me and we'll chat about it. Also, I'm going to teach my class on the history and art of video games again next semester, so if anyone out there with a larger readership than mine wants to give me a free plug, email me and I'll tell you the details. I think that about gets us up to speed. There's new content today, and it's 4-koma manga to boot! Not Super Mario, though... I figured the first Kobun Heat update of the manga page should feature Tron Ni Kobun manga. Read 'em and gain instant cultural supremacy over your friends! I did promise reviews of DVDs now that I have that capability, and it might even happen. Right now, though, I'm hard at work on an article for Animerica, and once that's done I have to have a Capcom Day in which I finally crack open Onimusha, Resident Evil: Code Veronica X, and the Devil May Cry demo. One engine. Three games. Be there. Discuss this entry on the forums. And I said this in the last entry (now archived), but just so you don't think I took a RANDOM 13-year-old girl and put Kobun Heat on her hat: that's Stephanie McMahon. Well, it's fine then, isn't it? Discuss this entry on the forums. |
HOME - Back to the main page! ME AND MY RESUME - And I might even add a page this time SPECIAL FEATURES - Articles and pictures SUPER MARIO MANGA - See Peach's panties again for the first time DOWNLOADS - ZZT games and FAQs LINKS - Come on, you know you want to get the hell out of here. Copyright 2001 Chris Kohler.
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